it's Nita.

(Audio and Text)

I recently went on the search for meaning. You know meaning as in what is the meaning of life and how do I fit in on this being swirling globe called Earth. It was only very recently, within the last 24-hrs, that I climbed out of the emotional rock bottom of the gilded cage of my own making. Honestly, I’ve lived a charmed life of an upper-middle class suburbanite (I want to make my positionality very clear). Yet, my moments of despair and melancholy were all too frequent. Life’s big questions showed no leniency. I received little rest.

Here I am again on another search for meaning. The most recent was at 25 when I recommitted to Christ. I was raised in the church and had some intimate moments with God as a child/young adolescent but that soon feel away into casual Christiandom from late middle school to after college. By 25, I had reached the end of my rope. I had a very bitter disposition, poor view of myself, and no self-will to hope for better. Young and gifted but still missing something.

Despite considerable effort from 25-29, I still couldn’t get over the hump. I was thriving in many respects but still trying to figure out adulting on a personal level. I was trying to find some sense of personal integrity amidst an impending transition from being a graduate student to being a professional. This was the crescendo of years of identity work and research–an identity crisis.

In short, I had been a student virtually my whole life aside from 2 gap-working years between undergrad and grad school. That was my comfort zone, my place of success. Yet, by 29, I was underwhelmed with my progress in life despite many achievements. Although I did nearly quit my PhD program a year earlier while grappling with another quarter-life crisis, just over a month ago (3 days before my 30th birthday), I successfully completed my defense and became Dr. Anita Patrick. What a success!… but what a feeling of loss and emptiness. An emptiness that was much harder to shake off than with a celebratory trip to Chuy’s.

Perhaps on the outside I was still holding it together. I kept a happy face and cheerful facade as I continued serving in church. Nonetheless, my dis-ease continued. I would describe it as a rolling undercurrent of discontentment, an inner knowing that despite this achievement I hadn’t yet resolved something within myself… I so desperately wanted to be happy and at peace.

Present day: Just a few days ago, Saturday April 11th 2020, I was doodling in my journal as I often do. This day a scripture came to mind as I thought of Jesus lying in the grave before the resurrection (Easter was the next day).

That scripture rested on the page much like a pretty promise unfulfilled. I didn’t consider it much longer except to add it to my social media pages. If I couldn’t get some encouragement at that moment, at least someone else could… and then something happened.

Reading the verse again, I noticed something. I felt the words were for me–personally and deeply for me. As I went to write my caption the words tumbled so easily from mind to hand to keyboard. I haven’t written a poem in a while so I was grateful for the creative expression.

Undercurrents of your inner world :: Chaos cleaves to the fine fabric of the undercoat of the unsuspecting citizen whose sense of rest lies elsewhere besides His best. Peace percolates in the hearth of the heart of the diligent servant whose eyes rest easy by looking up and whose hope clings expectantly to the hem of His garment knowing that His grace is more than enough // Selah.

Wow, it was more than just a clever caption for a few hearts and likes. Those words were God speaking to my weary heart. It all made sense in an instance. I didn’t think it by chance that He attached that particular scripture to those lines of poetry. The concept of stillness is simple enough, but for me it has been a journey of understanding it tangibly. I’ve been grappling with it for years. And so in reflecting on my doodle I said to myself, “Ok, I will be still Lord.” It wasn’t the turn of phrase that brought peace, but it was the posture of my heart in that moment. I was ready to surrender not fearing the solitude of my own silence.

Sunday: Easter 2020 was spent alone in my room, listening to my Pastor with the page still open to my journal. With a desire to create, I picked up my pen and as I listened to the message added to the doodle of what God gave me the day before. Upon finishing, I was more than pleased with my work aesthetically, I was encouraged spiritually! ☺️ And even more so later that day when I read my devotional.

Monday: It had only been 2 days since the silent resolution and 1 day since the uplifting doodle, but my steely resolve and chipper disposition was waning at the thought of two decisions I’d been agonizing over. I still needed resolution. My crisis was not yet averted.

Reminded of the timely devotional. I went back to what God told me in the dark. Peace be still. With ever increasing clarity the truth became abundantly clear. The answer I thought I understood but truly didn’t know until God revealed it to me. Be still and know I am God, Anita. Let go of your own sense of knowing (Prov. 3:5-6) and trust me (Jeremiah 29:11). Woo! It was the hand that stopped the wheels in my mind from turning. It was if God dipped a bucket into a vast ocean of insecurity, fear, doubt, and unbelief and drew out precious gems–solid and sure of their value.

Exactly what I needed to be reminded of….I can trust Him to care for me. Inwardly, I smiled (as I am now recanting this story in words)… how many times over the years has God reminded me of my assurance in Him? Too many to count, and yet He is faithful to keep working in me to bring me to a point of understanding Him more. 😌

My dear friends, I know He’ll keep working in you too. Selah.

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Behind the writing veil: It’s Wednesday (about 1:12am). My computer has once again lost a key letter in the heat of typing (that’s the 4th key in 4 months, 2 while I was mid-dissertating!), but I thought it worthy for me to finish this post anyway. Don’t abort the mission over a little opposition. The same God who sent His word to calm the storm in my personal life can certainly replace a “w” key. 😂 …. well y’all it’s now 2:53am and for the last hour or so my “r” has been very hard to press. (Even that sentence was painful to write 🙄).

P.S. I hope you were encouraged by this post, and entertained by the 1st world problems of a malfunctioning keyboard. BTW, I made one of my decisions. 💃🏾 Decision 2 is in progress!

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23