it's Nita.

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    • BMI and Beauty

      (Audio and Text)

      Topic: Fitness as Worship

      I first want to start off by saying my journey to understanding fitness has not always been God-centered. Growing up I was an athlete and fitness just came along with the package of being in competitive team-individuals sports (gymnastics, swimming and diving). With that being said, as I have gotten older and my body has changed, I have had to renew my mind to what fitness and health means. I am not trying to win medals but I am still trying to be my personal best. Personal best. Keep that in mind as you read. This blog is meant to help you reflect on what your personal best might be and to give you some knowledge on how to evaluate that as you manage your health by the numbers and with faith by using the Word of God. Let’s begin!

      By the numbers: Many are familiar with the Body Mass Index (BMI), however, not all know that this metric can be misleading especially for those with high muscle mass. Below is a chart of my (I want to emphasis this is tailored for me) ideal body weight (BW) based on my lean muscle mass (LMM). At the top of the chart is what the BMI says I should weight between 128 and 162lbs for my height (5’9).

      Ok, so here’s why this metric can be really off. I currently carry 137lbs of LMM! According to the Body Mass Index, I would be considered overweight at my total weight of 195lb. These numbers are just unreasonable given my body composition. If I was fixated on the scale and what the scale says (nonetheless society’s opinion on my physique) I would constantly be in a depressed state thinking I’m overweight and something’s wrong with me.

      The better way to assess a healthy body weight is to consider percent body fat (%BF). For my age, a healthy %BF is between 21% and 33% as a woman. In the middle of the chart you will see my healthy weight associated with these percentages which is 183 – 216lbs.

      So I did a little math based on DEXA scans from UT Austin’s Fit Institute, a DEXA scan is when they do your body composition they give you your bone mineral density, fat composition and lean muscle composition. So finally, hallelujah!, confirmation that nothing was wrong with me and I was just a little too much in my head. It’s worth a shout and excitement because for so long I was comparing myself to a standard the wasn’t built for me. Instead, of resting in who I was and how I carry my weight I got frustrated because the numbers on the scale and the sizes of my clothes made me feel big and awkward.

      Even though I wasn’t. 😅 Look at God! Alright, now I’m going to get into the faith component of this blog…

      With faith: So here’s my reflection of this as it relates to faith. Body complex issues come in all shapes and sizes (excuse the pun). Personally, many look at me and say I am skinny. Some say I am strong. Whatever the opinion, I have to remember it is only an opinion.

      Trust me, people will praise you one day and tear you down the next. You can’t live for others opinion of your beauty or self-worth based on your body type. And I say this from somebody who grew up fit, again I am giving you my positionality… I am not striving to be who I was a 18 years old nor am I striving to be the baddest chick walking the streets. I just want to be the best person God has called be to be right now. And so for me, I let the numbers do the talk down my overly judgmental inner critic and gave myself some grace to stay in a healthy range because you know things can fluctuate.

      A scripture I often reflective on related to this issue and my performance or my perception to other people:

      This process of mind renewal is spiritual as well as practical.

      Sticking to facts and not opinions have helped me be the best me.

      Keeping up with my doctor’s visits have helped me be the best me.

      Stopping the constant comparisons to myself and others has helped me be the best me.

      It is all connected–soul, body and spirit. I am the best me physically when my soul (my mind, will and emotions) and spirit are at peace. When I consider myself as a whole person, I can focus on healthy eating and exercise. I won’t go to my comfort foods or alcohol as a way of escape. I will get more rest and I will drink more water. Yeah, the stuff that makes you go “duh, I knew that already.”

      Yet in knowing what to do but not doing it, I personally had to assess why I wasn’t following through. Why was I afraid of working out? And what was more concerning than my own health?

      Answer: Rejection. Being my size and stature along with my muscle mass I always had been labeled as less of a lady, too hard. So a wall of fear built up over the years around gaining more weight or being too manly. (I thought I was going to be rejected). This kept me in bondage for years but it was just the other day (like a couple week ago) that I realized the ridiculousness of this line of thinking.

      Both men and women are human at the end of the day. Plain and simple. Our bodies are amazing and ideally work to adjust us to the needs of our environment. So how could I reject myself for being strong? Was that not required of me as a gymnast? Yes, it was. How can I reject myself for have a broad back? Is that not a signature mark of a swimmer? Yes, it is. All that I am is a result of my past experiences. So instead of trying to change or hide or shift myself into something I am not, I am learning to embrace me. Yes, learning. I have not fully arrived but I am making progress. ☺️

      I can delight in this progress and the process I am on now because I’m exercising my physical body as part of my worship unto God. It is no longer centered around myself or my physique or looking the best but it’s truly how God sees me and my purpose for my body. And for this I had to go back to the scripture. 

      As it is written, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship" (Romans 12:1).

      I used to think of this in just terms of my service to the church or tithing or the willingness to be a minister. But truly it also has to do with stewarding my temple well. After all, the Holy Spirit dwells there too. Plus, what’s the use of being filled with up with the Holy Ghost if my body is breaking down due to my poor choices? I say this wholeheartedly from a place of love because I have family members die of diseases caused by lifestyle choices. As I’ve entered into adulthood, I can no longer able to lean on a quick metabolism and organized sports, so I resolved not to end up in the same way. While sports kept me fit as a young person, as an adult I had to take responsibility for my health and do my part to assure that wherever God calls me to I am able and healthy enough to do it. In this way, I honor the Lord with my body (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

      Artwork by Jeff Frandsen: https://society6.com/product/1-corinthians-619-20_print

      Resources:

      Becoming the Woman I Want to Be: A 90-Day Journey to Renewing Spirit, Soul & Body

      Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food

      Free at-home workouts, mealplans, nutrition tips and recipes by Darebee.

      Behind the writing veil: This topic has been on my mind for years because aside from fasting I have noticed the church does not really talk about physical health very much*. 🤷🏾‍♀️ So I finally wrote this piece to link some practical info with the Word because I find it to be useful.

      *My Pastor mentioned the importance of stewarding our temples last Sunday which is totally a God thing. So I will certainly honor that and not throw anyone under the bus. 👌🏾I am not saying nobody talks about fitness or health. I just find that among the many things the church emphasizes, fitness and health and you know gluttony and the things that go along with our physical bodies get mentioned less often from my experience.

      Blessings!

      it’s Nita.

    • cry out // a visual journey

      I’d like to think I am a pretty chipper person (and surely I’ve gotten more joyful through the years) but it wasn’t always so.

      I hope you receive some encouragement from this picture/word journey. I set out to do something typical and just write this week, but God birthed something new and I am grateful. It allowed me to go down memory lane but most of all it reminded me that even in my darkest places, His love still shined. I pray you too will sense his presence not just today but all your days (Psalm 23:6).

      16 (2006)

      This is a language arts assignment from 10th grade. We were charged with picking words from a poem and making our own work from it. One of my favorite poets at 16 was Emily Dickinson, I picked “I felt a funeral in my brain”.

      17 (2007)

      I am no stranger to strong emotion. As I thought of what imagery to include in the post I was reminded of a drawing I did at 17 “Live Your Dreams.” There was clearly some growth as 10 years later I made the comment “you’ve been revived.” 😌 Tears, while painful, weren’t wasted.

      One of my favorite artists as a teen was Ani DiFranco, her music expressed much of my emotions in words I could not yet express. At 17, I thought I knew God and perhaps in a teenage way I did. However, 10 years more of living has a way of weighing you down. Again I made an edit to a previous entry with “a broken and contrite heart God will not despise” (Psalm 51:17). I know that God isn’t with me just for my good days, even my heaviness he can hold.

      18 – 22 (2008 – 2012)

      I dove head first into the “authentic college experience” and forsook much of what helped me cope in my younger years–God included. I didn’t write or draw much during this time. On occasion when I slowed down enough to take stock of my life, I often found myself drawn to instrumental music and rumination. I let the strings and the piano cry out for me. 🧐 Matter fact I didn’t write anything from a place of positive emotion until late 22 and even then I mostly drew from negative emotions.

      23 (2013)

      I was in the midst of a particularly tough season nearly a year after undergrad. Like I did in my teens, I went back to my feelings in words. Not wanting to look back I recognized the fruit of my labors were the wages of sin. My spirit longed to be alive again.

      24 (2014)

      The light of redemption and moving into a new season! This was a make and break year. Yes, both.

      25 (2015)

      When the days get long and my soul gets weary. Lord I lay my requests before you, I know you hear me. 

      When the road is rough and the path is crooked. Lord I give you control, I know you can do it. 

      When the doubts creep in and my confidence fades. Lord I lean on you, I know you are the author and finisher of my faith. 

      When there is no one else and I’m all alone. Lord you comfort me, I know you are my home. 

      I can trust in you like no other. You’re a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

      ❤️ Jesus, I choose you.

      26 (2016)

      Learning to love and be loved in return.

      My love is like the sea
      Running deep and without measure
      Let my living water rush in and fill those dead places
      Don’t fight the flood, the wave of my love
      I promise daughter you won’t drown.

      “Your love so deep is washing over me
      Your face is all I seek, you are my everything
      Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
      Lord, hear my only cry, to know you all my life.” (Sinking Deep x Hillsong Young and Free)

      27 (2017)

      I was a seed When you trampled me, you pushed me deep. 
      The ground engulfed me, but the rains gave me life.
      I budded, broke the surface, and stretched to the sky. 
      You looked to the spot and couldn’t believe your eyes. 
      What you meant for evil, He turned it around for my good. 
      That trampled seed grew into a mighty redwood.

      This was a hell of a year! But as you saw from some of my posts above. There was definitely breakthrough as I confronted my past.

      28 (2018)

      Winter 2018. I had questions for my future and this was the best way I could articulate it to God. Big, bold and a little disorderly. My prayer was written with desparate strokes of a black marker. The answer made itself clear. “I am the Shepherd.” I lightened up the right side of my drawing with a flicker of yellow dots and remembered I am His sheep. I will never want (Psalm 23).

      29 (2019)

      My sentiments from 29. Reflection, Faith and Perseverance.

      30 (2020) A few days ago

      From the valley I heard God say “Cry out, don’t complain” and so I searched for the meaning of crying out. It is more than mere complaining. It is taking my petition to God. I found these images and scriptures particularly engaging.

      In conclusion, a few words from His heart to ours

      Be not dismayed my daughters, Be not dismayed my sons. When I sent my son for you, I pronounced it finished and done.

      Cry out by faith, beloved. Cry out with hope, dear ones. Don’t withhold your burdens, don’t withhold your hurts.

      Cry out to me, my child; my ear is open to your plea. Keeping on seeking the answer to your soul’s need.

      Like the calm in the midst of the storm, my presence will banish darkness with the glory of my light–be not troubled, only look up. For my grace is sufficient, it’s more than enough.

      Love you,

      it’s Nita.

    • Promote the Message, Not the Man

      (Audio and Text)

      It’s Nita – Promote the Message, Not the Man

      We are in the age of influencers. From Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube, television, books, podcasts, all manner of platforms can be used to promoting one’s agenda. We are enamored with men and women that amass large social followings and we vigorously defend our person as best. I won’t say all are this way. Perhaps there is healthy admiration but all to often admiration slips easily into idolatry, strife and division.

      This issue is at the very heart of the Church and the heart of our personal relationships with Christ. As I worked on the first draft of this blog, I thought this was simply a topic for people that were outwardly boastful, you know clearly going way too over the top. But as I was reflecting and editing, God made it very clear this message was very much for me also. Like any man or woman I can been drawn into the trap of exalting myself or even others out of my own sense of purpose and drive to serve the Kingdom. Even if I am working for the gospel, I can still make idols out of my own grander and exploits. Yet, I want to be humble and point back to the giver of the gifts. For every I do and everything I am is for His glory.

      In the same way, we can promote church leaders above the message of the gospel itself. You are probably familiar with these types of discussions. Well I only listen to so and so because he preaches how I like or I’m not coming to church because my pastor isn’t there. What is all this pointing to? Could it be we are participating in our faith out of our own comfort? Perhaps we are like those in the early church. We argue over who we should follow, still operating with an infant’s level of understanding. Do you remember what Paul said to the early church in Corinth? Look at 1 Corinthians 3. 

      "Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? 4 For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings?5 What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. 7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.8 The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9 For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building." (1 Corinthians 3:1-9)

      Let me explain. Paul desired the people to come to a more mature understanding of the things of God. He asks them questions to point their attention to the debates over following one disciple over the other. Like some of us are today, the people were divided. They made their allegiances to the people and thus caused quarreling and invoked unnecessary strife and division for those in the church. This behavior took attention away from God and placed it on individuals.

      Yet, verses 6-9 show how our service to God is supposed to function. We are to be a collective body, each doing a part, while God is God–some plant, some water and God brings the increase. We are to be at the Lord’s service as a united body, not factions and fandom groups. It is important we are honest with ourselves about who we are really praising and glorifying. In this I pray God enlightens our understanding to any areas in our lives where we have placed the man over the message for this is nothing sort of idolatry. God is serious about the sin of idolatry and he is zealous for us to be lovers of Him first (Matthew 22:37-38). So let’s get back to the main thing–pointing people to Jesus and fulfilling the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20).

      If you feel you relate to this message, that you have set people or yourself above God, or that your pursuit of God hasn’t been God-centered, I invite you to pray this prayer with me.

      God I confess that I have strayed away from the greatest commandment. To love you with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul, and all my strength. Lord please forgive me for putting people on a pedestal instead of seeking to worship you in spirit and in truth. God grant me a spirit of humility that I would always work for your glory and not my own. Father I desire to grow up and mature in my relationship with you. God please continue to reveal any areas in my life where I have not put you first. Help me to be diligent in laying down any idols in my life. Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. In Jesus’ name, Amen. ❤️

      Behind the writing veil: I don’t have any other insights for the making of this piece. I pray that God continues to minister to you on the topic of idolatry, and the Gospel and the center of the Gospel which is Jesus Christ as he has continued to minister to me.

      Many blessings and always His Best.

      Love you,

      it’s Nita.

    • 100 Word Test: Find Your Core

      (Audio and text)

      First of all I want to give credit to Troy Marshall who taught me to this exercise in 2017. I have had it in my notes for a while but I decided to write it up so others could use it. So here we go!

      Purpose: People can often live out of their purpose but not their core. Your purpose is why but your core is the why behind the why. It’s the innermost nature of a person that drives and motivates them to carryout their purpose.

      To be clear, this is not a personality test. You won’t come away with a series of letters or a number label or any combination of the two. The point of the exercise is to find your core and live it out to the glory of God. ❤️

      So I just wanted to remind you that that is a hope God had when He formed you and He wants you to be free in that truth. So I hope you enjoy. ☺️

      STEP 1

      • List 100 words to describe yourself. However, none of the words can be negative. This process is designed to start peeling back the layers to get at the core. It makes you ask hard questions beyond the obvious things. For example, you can say creative, athletic, adventurer, studious, friendly, observant or giver. Any words, any descriptors.
      • But remember to only use words from the womb. Meaning the words you use to describe yourself can’t depend on another person. So no using labels like mother, husband, sister, cousin etc. those all relate to how you are with another person.
      • Take your time and think of things that you were before you were married or a mom, etc. what does being a mom really mean? You could be a caregiver. What does a wife mean? You could be a nurturer.
      • NOTE: The quality of the questions you ask yourself determines the quality of answers you get as you make this list. Don’t give up when you hit the word wall. It may take you a few days or more to get your list to 100. Personally, it took be about 3-5 days.
      • After you have 100 words, go through your list and pick your top 10. Again this may take more than just an afternoon but try to be decisive. Don’t agonize over picking those 10 words.

      STEP 2

      • Ask a friend to give you 10 words to describe you. Do not tell them the 100 word list you made or the 10 words you picked for yourself.
      • This is a checkpoint step and you will find out a couple things. 1) Do you have anyone close enough to you to ask for 10 words? 2) Have you been open and transparent enough to ask a friend to tell you about yourself? 3) Are the words your friend gives you consistent with what you said about yourself? Are the words they give shallow or insightful? If not ask yourself, am I bring my authentic self? Or is this person not as close to me as I thought they were?
      • This is a very interesting step. It really helps figure out those close relationships. These are important considerations. Our greatest desire as people are to know and to be known for our authentic selves. A true friend will know. Knowing means transparency and honesty. The 10 words they give you will expose the nature of the friendship you have. You can really get to know people by what they say about you.

      STEP 3

      • Now after your friend has described you in their own words you will go back to the 10 words you described for yourself. Of the words your wrote for yourself you will now pick only 5 of those words. This is pretty exciting. You are really getting close to the center at this point. When I did this I was like “Yes, I’m almost there!” 😆
      • Hopefully your friend helped you focus on what your 5 most important words might be. If not, don’t be discouraged. Take some time and meditate on your 10 word list. The 5 most relevant words will become clear as God leads you. I know this took me a little while to get to. I wanted to keep certain words but just go with your gut instinct. God really speaks to you in this step.

      STEP 4

      • This is another checkpoint. Go to THE absolute closest person to you (this could be a spouse, best friend or parent for example) and ask them to describe you in 5 words.
      • If the words they give you approximately match your top 5, yay! You’re being consistent with yourself and they know you pretty well. That’s pretty cool because you are being open and transparent with the person you say is the closest person to you. If not, again return to the questions you asked in STEP 2. Remember, THE closest person to you is the person you are being the most transparent and honest with about your true self I just want to emphasize that again.

      STEP 5

      • This is the last step and more of a process step. In this step you are going to get to the 1 word but you are also going to think through that over time and chew on it to see what it means to you.
      • Of the 5 words you listed for yourself, pick 1. Again this process may be quick and obvious or it could take a few days.
      • But don’t just stop with picking a word can say yay, I’m a birdwatcher. Ok, cool birdwatcher…but you really want to reflect on how that word connects to the center of your life and purpose. This is your core. Really look deep into the meaning of the word.
      • For example, if you are a cook the core is really caring for other people. That’s a vulnerable place if you think about it. You are giving of you time and talents to provide nourishment for others. That is the essence of what a cook does.
      • Remember your core word should relate to how you are changing the Kingdom of God because for those that are believers, we are all ministers of the gospel. Going back to that example, cooking could definitely serve the Kingdom. Don’t discount your one word. God will definitely give you insight. I know He really illuminated my word for me and gave me a good understanding of what it means to be a teacher. Even past googling definitions and all that, God made it clear to me on a personal level.
      • So as you are meditating on this, ask yourself what am I going to do today to change the world from my core. This is a great time to think about that. The why, how and motivation of your purpose will totally change. You may ask yourself, how are my priorities a reflection of my core self? What am I going to do about that?
      • If this process is difficult, I would encourage you to keep pushing. It may be a sign of insecurity or uncertainty but guess what? God can work with that too. Being stripped to your core and thinking about it from that level it really provides you a foundation to assess, redirect and rebuild. It’s a great spot to be.
      • I also want to say for my super-super-religious, super-super-saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost persons, please don’t get super-ultra-religious with this thing. We are not trying to boost egos around here. Be honest with yourself and be honest God. This is bigger than church membership or title or position. Your core is not even contained to ministry alone. It’s everything about you and it goes everywhere you go because it is the essence of who you are.
      • As you go through this process just be free to what God has to show you. When you get to that truth you will really walk in an entirely new level of freedom. Don’t be fearful. He wants to give you more and He won’t give you a calling you are going to despise. He won’t call you to something and not equip you to be able to complete.
      • Trust God to show you who you are and believe Him will give you the strength to walk it out.

      Alright, that’s how you do the 100 word test. I do hope you have fun with this and find great insights about yourself and those closest to you. That’s all I have for today.

      Love you!

      it’s Nita.

    • Moving and Making Friends

      (Audio and Text)

      How God led me to family:

      Divine Intervention. At my lowest point, I had nothing like the relationships I have now. It was summer 2012 and I had just graduated college. Plagued with memories and guilt of several poor decisions, I wasn’t very motivated to start building serious relationships (friendships, romantic or otherwise). However, God had a way of interrupting my plans (Proverbs 19:21). At the time my mother was part of a women’s ministry called Sister Love. Since I was living at home I would hear her on the prayer line. She was loud and I was annoyed. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, go to work and occasionally grab some drinks. My mind was elsewhere and my heart was far from God.

      Yet, in the midst of me trying to go my own way, we had a visitor. Little did I know this encounter would change my whole life. Through a word of knowledge at the dinner table, this person spoke to my deepest hurt. She told me I had a pure heart. For a person with my history, this was a shocking statement especially considering we were in the middle of dinner. Yet, she spoke and I cried. Later that evening I wandered up to my room, perplexed. How could I go back to my routine after such an encounter. I had managed to keep it together at dinner table but inside I wanted to know more. How did this lady know to say that to me?

      Well, with all the boldness I could muster at the time I sheepishly went back downstairs and asked to talk. She agreed. And so she and I talked, well I did a lot of talking. She didn’t judge me for the stories I told. She just listened. She was kind and empathetic. I didn’t see her again for another 6 months. This time is was at a gathering of women for Sister Love. My heart was melting. I finally said yes to the invitation from my mom to participate. The rest as they say is history. I’ve got sisters for life!

      Sister Love – An Experience with God 2013. Grateful to have my mom who forged the way. I was very broken on the inside and I finally let it out.

      Moving. As I was growing and developing in God while participating in Sister Love, I moved to Austin to start graduate school. I had no family in Austin but I did know someone from undergraduate when we met at Rice for a summer research experience. A bit nervous I reached out. Through this I connected to my first friends in Austin. Yet, upon coming to Austin, I knew I needed a church home. I had been attending one for a few months but oh my plans were about to change.

      Going away dinner before moving to Austin.

      December 2014 a friend and I visited a AAULYP end of the year happy hour. Somewhere amongst the drinks, laughing and dancing I slowed down and start talking to people. In that process I met a woman and somehow we started talking about church. Yeah church in the middle of a bar. A month later in January I visited the church she mentioned and was blown away by the presence of God. Y’all it was my first visit and I nearly fell out at the altar. 😂 I was excited but conflicted. It was further than I usually would drive for church (20min…I know was a bit dramatic). So I went back to the other church, it was more convenient.

      Two months later I was attending SXSW (a huge music, film, and media festival in Austin) as part of the volunteer banners crew. Friends and I volunteered so we could go to the music shows. One night on the 10pm-2am shift we were getting ready to head out. In talking to another person on the crew, again the topics of church came up. She told me where she attended. It was the same church that I attended a couple months earlier. 😱 That got my attention. I have learned through the years that God speaks in many ways. So that March I went back to visit. It was the best decision I could have ever made. That church has now become my home. Summit❤️

      Around the same time, I was also building friendships in grad school. Those relationships obviously won’t be possible if I didn’t start the process of pursuing graduate study. More over, I had to be open to buildings relationships. I easily could have just gone about the business of doing my assignments and not making real connections with anyone in my program. I am so glad I was didn’t withdraw from the chance to experience something wonderful. I’ve made great friends. ☺️

      Serving and opening the eyes of my understanding. So I started attending my new church. At the same time, by the summer 2015 I was at the beginning of a mentee process with Sister Love. As I was learning and growing and opening up, I discovered an area of longing in my soul. I longed for just one person to walk with me as I was learning to walk with God. I had Sister Love but those women were scattered in Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, Wisconsin, New Mexico, and New York. And although we met on the phone weekly, I didn’t have any close faith relationships in Austin. So I did want I knew to do and started serving. Little did I know that’s where I would meet my best friends (xoxo).

      But this sentiment took a while for me to develop as I had a huge misunderstanding of the meaning of friendship. For 3 years, we (my girls and I) were doing life together and serving together but I still thought I was missing something…an inner circle. God gave me revelation on this is two phases.

      October 22, 2017. It was a special Sunday because I was being baptized (for the 3rd time…I’ll tell you about that in another story). My mom, brother, friend from grad school 💕, and of course church community were there. At my church, we do something special after you come out of the water. People can give you a word of encouragement…. Wow, I was shocked. Nearly 30 minutes worth of people spoke into my life. That day (thanks to my brother pointing it out to me). I was beginning to see. I did have a community! No, not every one was my best friend but I was building with the Body. I had more love than I even realized.

      Yet it took until early 2018 for all this to stick. My pastor gave a message from Numbers 22, it was about Balaam and his donkey. He emphasized the importance of having people in your life that will have your back (like the donkey did for Balaam in preventing him from going the wrong way). My pastor was talking about an inner circle. At the end of the message I was sad because I wanted an inner circle. I ruminated on it after church and later confessed to my girls. I told them I didn’t feel like I had an inner circle. And here’s the wisdom I gleaned. The people God places closest to us don’t have to be the same age, economic status, or even marriage status. Brilliant! God saw fit to knit me together with these ladies, my tribe. 😄

      I came to a similar point of revelation with another friend (whom I also met on prayer team). She absolutely has a heart of gold. I attribute my ability to receive and give hugs to her (I was not a physical touchy type person). But we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together (my number one love language is quality time). In my mind that felt conflicting, but as I reflected on all my friendships at this time I know she is a close one.

      LifeGroups and more Prayer Team. My church has these groups where we gather and fellowship over food and the Word. In the first group I attended, at some point I shared about how I spend time in prayer. I am not even sure what the group was talking about but this came up as other ladies were sharing about spending time with God. In this group I made another connection. I can’t really put my finger down on when she and I started interacting regularly but since that time we have served together on prayer team, went on a mission trip (a member of my tribe went too!), started LifeGroups together with another friend, she’s adopted me to spend time with her and her family when I had no where to go on Christmas Eve, and now we serve in another ministry together. On top of that she was a priceless support in the course of my graduate studies. Our lives have overlapped in so many ways. She is my dear friend!

      **not in audio** Since then I have made numerous friends through Life Groups. Like laugh so hard it makes your side hurt, cry so hard because you can’t do anything else, excited to meet together because you are looking forward to sharing good news…all that and more because in LifeGroups I built community. I got to sit side-by-side with people and share heart-to-heart. Bonus: the food was always good too. 😋

      Redemption and Reconnection. I am going to be completely transparent as I end this blog. I have fumbled the ball several times in trying to make friends. I had intentions to do right but my own fear of rejection, emotional codependency, and jealously were hinderances in my growth and hurtful to others. Indeed, some relationships went down in flames… but it’s a beautiful thing when I let them go and let God work it out. Even more I had to take responsibility for my actions and have some tough conversations. Tough but honest and I am better for it. I can say that some friendships have came back around. However, not all relationships are meant to be revived…such is life. I’ve learn to rest in that. It took me years of working on myself (especially in the areas of emotional codependency) and securing my sense of belonging with God to discern the difference and have the confidence to stay or go in the process of building relationships.

      💕

      So you see through these many processes, through reaching out to my church community, through connecting with the people in my spheres of influence and grad school, through watching my mom through her growth and her faith and then taking the leap to try to build friendships of my own, I got more, exceedingly more than I can ask think or imagine. I got friends AND family!

      ::::::::::::::::

      P.S. I want to add some extra transparency to this post. Even with the friendships I have had the privilege to enjoy, loneliness was/is a very real thing. There were still times where I feel isolated or lonely because I didn’t have people to hang out with. However, solitude isn’t the enemy. Being alone has given me time to process my feelings by journaling and more recently drawing and painting. I also get to spend some major quality time with God and Jesus. ☺️ So if you have yet to establish the friendships you desire, take sometime to do something you enjoy. Cultivate happiness. You may meet a friend in the process or simply come to learn something about yourself. Either way it’s totally worth it.

      Love you,

      it’s Nita.

    • Winning the Battle and the War

      (Audio and Text)

      For years I let fear of rejection and mistrust prevent me from taking God at his word and walking in faith. I didn’t take much risk in relationship with others because I felt too different. I was convinced others wouldn’t understand me. Eventually those thoughts become my reality. I was social, yes, but everything was very surface level. It wasn’t until I started affirming my identity in Christ that I was able to take the risk of opening up to trusted friends and building new relationships. I haven’t fully arrived in this area but I am living in so much more freedom now because I started being mindful and meditating on the things of God (Philippians 4:8-9).

      It became very obvious that the battlefield was in my mind. As I’ve learned to do over the years, I turned to scripture to understand how to overcome. The story of the Israelites in Psalm 46 helped me tremendously in understanding God’s sovereignty in the midst of a battle. It made me reflect on the importance of keeping my thoughts aligned with God’s word and truth.

      Here’s a quick recap of Psalm 46: The Israelites were often at war with neighboring nations in their pursuit to gain hold of their inheritance–the Promised Land. Verses 1-9 detail God’s sovereignty over even the most turbulent of situations, ultimately climaxing with verse 10, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted above the nations, I will be exalted above the earth.” This scripture is highlighting God’s directive to be still and let God do what only God can do. Still in this passage is defined in the Hebrew as “to relax, sink down, or let drop.” Think about that in terms of your own personal relationship with God. He is essentially calling us to come and dwell in Him in times of trouble.

      Let’s be honest…how many of us respond gracefully when life’s battles come? when someone offends you–do you respond thoughtfully or react out of anger? When you suffer a major personal failure does your inner critic start getting the best of you or do you remain steady in your identity in Christ? Victory in a moment is all dependent on mindfully responding to our situations and circumstances. But I know…it doesn’t always go that way. We all struggle to some extent. However by training ourselves to be self-aware we can learn to catch ourselves before we end up reacting or acting outside the will of God.

      At this point you may be thinking, “well that’s nice for you but my brain isn’t set up like that.” Well I have good news! You can actually change how your brain responds by changing your thought life. You really can be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2)! This process does not have to be a struggle. Let me formally introduce you to the concept of mindfulness.

      Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to your thoughts at the present moment with openness and acceptance. The goal is not to immediately start judging and critiquing but rather to identify your state of mind, capture the thoughts and emotions, and then take action by allowing God direct you.

      I am going to get a little preachy for a moment. We have to read your word, plain and simple. Along with prayer, it is THE weapon against the enemy. Even Jesus who was God used the word to rebuke the devil. In moments of crisis and challenge God will use the word hidden in your heart to minister to your spirit.

      Here are a couple ways you can practice mindfulness in your daily life through God’s word.

      • Meditation. One way to meditate is to focus explicitly on a short phrase you can repeat to yourself. Let’s say you struggle with identity and unworthiness. A scripture to meditate on is Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Get in the habit of repeating this over and over throughout the day. (Tip: If your days are particularly busy, set an alarm on your phone as a reminder to speak the Word over yourself.) Another way is actively listening to the word. You can even find YouTube videos of readings of scripture. Take a listen to this one on healing. 😌
      • 3-minute rest.  Take 3 minutes to be perfectly still. If necessary set a timer. In this three minutes take note of an issue are feeling or thinking about. Then pray for God’s clarity. Here’s an example prayer: Lord thank you for being with me in this moment. God I feel __________ but I know Lord that you are near. Father I submit these feelings and thoughts to you. God I welcome the presence of your Holy Spirit to rest on me. God give me clarity and understanding on how to respond to my situation. In Jesus name, Amen. Then wait. God may respond with a vision, an impression, a word, or even an audible voice. He speaks in many ways. As you practice being still and waiting on the Lord you may find you go longer than 3-minutes. 😉

      Takeaway: The more you value dwelling with God, the easier it will become to get your mind right. So start today. Yes, this will take time, discipline, and patience but little by little, a little becomes alot. 😊

      Take hold of the battle in your mind my friends because the good news is Jesus has already won the war! ❤️

      Additional Resources:

      Switch on Your Brain by Caroline Leaf

      Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

      :::::::::::::

      Behind the writing veil: This piece started out totally different. I had it completely written out but I didn’t feel quite at peace and so I rearranged and edited. It is ok to make revisions on the vision. I used to hold on so tightly to the way I did things (and I’m still learning to let go), but the truth be told God gets the ultimate glory when I do things his way. ☺️

    • The Mending of a Quarter-Life Crisis

      (Audio and Text)

      I recently went on the search for meaning. You know meaning as in what is the meaning of life and how do I fit in on this being swirling globe called Earth. It was only very recently, within the last 24-hrs, that I climbed out of the emotional rock bottom of the gilded cage of my own making. Honestly, I’ve lived a charmed life of an upper-middle class suburbanite (I want to make my positionality very clear). Yet, my moments of despair and melancholy were all too frequent. Life’s big questions showed no leniency. I received little rest.

      Here I am again on another search for meaning. The most recent was at 25 when I recommitted to Christ. I was raised in the church and had some intimate moments with God as a child/young adolescent but that soon feel away into casual Christiandom from late middle school to after college. By 25, I had reached the end of my rope. I had a very bitter disposition, poor view of myself, and no self-will to hope for better. Young and gifted but still missing something.

      Despite considerable effort from 25-29, I still couldn’t get over the hump. I was thriving in many respects but still trying to figure out adulting on a personal level. I was trying to find some sense of personal integrity amidst an impending transition from being a graduate student to being a professional. This was the crescendo of years of identity work and research–an identity crisis.

      In short, I had been a student virtually my whole life aside from 2 gap-working years between undergrad and grad school. That was my comfort zone, my place of success. Yet, by 29, I was underwhelmed with my progress in life despite many achievements. Although I did nearly quit my PhD program a year earlier while grappling with another quarter-life crisis, just over a month ago (3 days before my 30th birthday), I successfully completed my defense and became Dr. Anita Patrick. What a success!… but what a feeling of loss and emptiness. An emptiness that was much harder to shake off than with a celebratory trip to Chuy’s.

      Perhaps on the outside I was still holding it together. I kept a happy face and cheerful facade as I continued serving in church. Nonetheless, my dis-ease continued. I would describe it as a rolling undercurrent of discontentment, an inner knowing that despite this achievement I hadn’t yet resolved something within myself… I so desperately wanted to be happy and at peace.

      Present day: Just a few days ago, Saturday April 11th 2020, I was doodling in my journal as I often do. This day a scripture came to mind as I thought of Jesus lying in the grave before the resurrection (Easter was the next day).

      That scripture rested on the page much like a pretty promise unfulfilled. I didn’t consider it much longer except to add it to my social media pages. If I couldn’t get some encouragement at that moment, at least someone else could… and then something happened.

      Reading the verse again, I noticed something. I felt the words were for me–personally and deeply for me. As I went to write my caption the words tumbled so easily from mind to hand to keyboard. I haven’t written a poem in a while so I was grateful for the creative expression.

      Undercurrents of your inner world :: Chaos cleaves to the fine fabric of the undercoat of the unsuspecting citizen whose sense of rest lies elsewhere besides His best. Peace percolates in the hearth of the heart of the diligent servant whose eyes rest easy by looking up and whose hope clings expectantly to the hem of His garment knowing that His grace is more than enough // Selah.

      Wow, it was more than just a clever caption for a few hearts and likes. Those words were God speaking to my weary heart. It all made sense in an instance. I didn’t think it by chance that He attached that particular scripture to those lines of poetry. The concept of stillness is simple enough, but for me it has been a journey of understanding it tangibly. I’ve been grappling with it for years. And so in reflecting on my doodle I said to myself, “Ok, I will be still Lord.” It wasn’t the turn of phrase that brought peace, but it was the posture of my heart in that moment. I was ready to surrender not fearing the solitude of my own silence.

      Sunday: Easter 2020 was spent alone in my room, listening to my Pastor with the page still open to my journal. With a desire to create, I picked up my pen and as I listened to the message added to the doodle of what God gave me the day before. Upon finishing, I was more than pleased with my work aesthetically, I was encouraged spiritually! ☺️ And even more so later that day when I read my devotional.

      Monday: It had only been 2 days since the silent resolution and 1 day since the uplifting doodle, but my steely resolve and chipper disposition was waning at the thought of two decisions I’d been agonizing over. I still needed resolution. My crisis was not yet averted.

      Reminded of the timely devotional. I went back to what God told me in the dark. Peace be still. With ever increasing clarity the truth became abundantly clear. The answer I thought I understood but truly didn’t know until God revealed it to me. Be still and know I am God, Anita. Let go of your own sense of knowing (Prov. 3:5-6) and trust me (Jeremiah 29:11). Woo! It was the hand that stopped the wheels in my mind from turning. It was if God dipped a bucket into a vast ocean of insecurity, fear, doubt, and unbelief and drew out precious gems–solid and sure of their value.

      Exactly what I needed to be reminded of….I can trust Him to care for me. Inwardly, I smiled (as I am now recanting this story in words)… how many times over the years has God reminded me of my assurance in Him? Too many to count, and yet He is faithful to keep working in me to bring me to a point of understanding Him more. 😌

      My dear friends, I know He’ll keep working in you too. Selah.

      ::::::::::::

      Behind the writing veil: It’s Wednesday (about 1:12am). My computer has once again lost a key letter in the heat of typing (that’s the 4th key in 4 months, 2 while I was mid-dissertating!), but I thought it worthy for me to finish this post anyway. Don’t abort the mission over a little opposition. The same God who sent His word to calm the storm in my personal life can certainly replace a “w” key. 😂 …. well y’all it’s now 2:53am and for the last hour or so my “r” has been very hard to press. (Even that sentence was painful to write 🙄).

      P.S. I hope you were encouraged by this post, and entertained by the 1st world problems of a malfunctioning keyboard. BTW, I made one of my decisions. 💃🏾 Decision 2 is in progress!

      Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

    • Anita the Academic

      Anita Patrick, Ph.D. received her B.S. in Bioengineering (2012) from Clemson University, where she tutored and mentored undergraduate students in the College of Engineering and Science. Through this and subsequent independent tutoring experiences after graduation, she developed a passion for helping individuals achieve their goals in STEM. She is presently a College of Education Doctoral Fellow at the University of Texas at Austin and will be awarded her doctorate in STEM Education in May 2020. 

      In the course of her graduate studies, she received several honors, including a Graduate Recruitment Fellowship (2014), Honorable Mention NSF GRFP (2016), and Continuing Dissertation Fellowship from the College of Education (2019). In contributing to scholarly work, Dr. Patrick published 10 peer-reviewed journal articles including a 5 first-author publications. Additionally, she published over 15 conference papers in proceedings including the American Society for Engineering Annual Conference & Exposition, American Educational Research Association Annual Meeting, Biomedical Engineering Society Annual Meeting, and the international Research in Engineering Education Symposium. 

      Dr. Patrick values interdisciplinary work and research collaborations. Her dissertation derived from an NSF funded research grant on which she was a contributing proposal author and primary graduate researcher. Her work addressed gender differences in post-graduation plans among undergraduate biomedical engineering students with particular focus on the novel use of cluster analysis and structural equation modeling to explore career decision-making and motivating attitudinal beliefs. As an outcome of this work, her goal is to educate the public and practitioners on what it means to be an engineer and to develop holistic frameworks for identity development, student motivation, and decision-making to help women and underrepresented minorities pursue their goals in engineering including graduate and professional school. 

      In addition to research, Dr. Patrick was the primary evaluator for the Texas BME Community of Undergraduate Research Scholars for Cancer, a summer NSF REU program, for two years. She has also served as a peer reviewer for the Journal of Pre-College Engineering Education Research (JPEER), Journal of Engineering Education (JEE), Journal of Women and Minorities in Science and Engineering (JWM), European Journal of Engineering Education (EJEE), Studies in Engineering Education (SEE) and International Journal of STEM Education (IJSTEM).