it's Nita.

(Audio and Text)

How God led me to family:

Divine Intervention. At my lowest point, I had nothing like the relationships I have now. It was summer 2012 and I had just graduated college. Plagued with memories and guilt of several poor decisions, I wasn’t very motivated to start building serious relationships (friendships, romantic or otherwise). However, God had a way of interrupting my plans (Proverbs 19:21). At the time my mother was part of a women’s ministry called Sister Love. Since I was living at home I would hear her on the prayer line. She was loud and I was annoyed. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, go to work and occasionally grab some drinks. My mind was elsewhere and my heart was far from God.

Yet, in the midst of me trying to go my own way, we had a visitor. Little did I know this encounter would change my whole life. Through a word of knowledge at the dinner table, this person spoke to my deepest hurt. She told me I had a pure heart. For a person with my history, this was a shocking statement especially considering we were in the middle of dinner. Yet, she spoke and I cried. Later that evening I wandered up to my room, perplexed. How could I go back to my routine after such an encounter. I had managed to keep it together at dinner table but inside I wanted to know more. How did this lady know to say that to me?

Well, with all the boldness I could muster at the time I sheepishly went back downstairs and asked to talk. She agreed. And so she and I talked, well I did a lot of talking. She didn’t judge me for the stories I told. She just listened. She was kind and empathetic. I didn’t see her again for another 6 months. This time is was at a gathering of women for Sister Love. My heart was melting. I finally said yes to the invitation from my mom to participate. The rest as they say is history. I’ve got sisters for life!

Moving. As I was growing and developing in God while participating in Sister Love, I moved to Austin to start graduate school. I had no family in Austin but I did know someone from undergraduate when we met at Rice for a summer research experience. A bit nervous I reached out. Through this I connected to my first friends in Austin. Yet, upon coming to Austin, I knew I needed a church home. I had been attending one for a few months but oh my plans were about to change.

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December 2014 a friend and I visited a AAULYP end of the year happy hour. Somewhere amongst the drinks, laughing and dancing I slowed down and start talking to people. In that process I met a woman and somehow we started talking about church. Yeah church in the middle of a bar. A month later in January I visited the church she mentioned and was blown away by the presence of God. Y’all it was my first visit and I nearly fell out at the altar. 😂 I was excited but conflicted. It was further than I usually would drive for church (20min…I know was a bit dramatic). So I went back to the other church, it was more convenient.

Two months later I was attending SXSW (a huge music, film, and media festival in Austin) as part of the volunteer banners crew. Friends and I volunteered so we could go to the music shows. One night on the 10pm-2am shift we were getting ready to head out. In talking to another person on the crew, again the topics of church came up. She told me where she attended. It was the same church that I attended a couple months earlier. 😱 That got my attention. I have learned through the years that God speaks in many ways. So that March I went back to visit. It was the best decision I could have ever made. That church has now become my home. Summit❤️

Around the same time, I was also building friendships in grad school. Those relationships obviously won’t be possible if I didn’t start the process of pursuing graduate study. More over, I had to be open to buildings relationships. I easily could have just gone about the business of doing my assignments and not making real connections with anyone in my program. I am so glad I was didn’t withdraw from the chance to experience something wonderful. I’ve made great friends. ☺️

Serving and opening the eyes of my understanding. So I started attending my new church. At the same time, by the summer 2015 I was at the beginning of a mentee process with Sister Love. As I was learning and growing and opening up, I discovered an area of longing in my soul. I longed for just one person to walk with me as I was learning to walk with God. I had Sister Love but those women were scattered in Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, Wisconsin, New Mexico, and New York. And although we met on the phone weekly, I didn’t have any close faith relationships in Austin. So I did want I knew to do and started serving. Little did I know that’s where I would meet my best friends (xoxo).

But this sentiment took a while for me to develop as I had a huge misunderstanding of the meaning of friendship. For 3 years, we (my girls and I) were doing life together and serving together but I still thought I was missing something…an inner circle. God gave me revelation on this is two phases.

October 22, 2017. It was a special Sunday because I was being baptized (for the 3rd time…I’ll tell you about that in another story). My mom, brother, friend from grad school 💕, and of course church community were there. At my church, we do something special after you come out of the water. People can give you a word of encouragement…. Wow, I was shocked. Nearly 30 minutes worth of people spoke into my life. That day (thanks to my brother pointing it out to me). I was beginning to see. I did have a community! No, not every one was my best friend but I was building with the Body. I had more love than I even realized.

Yet it took until early 2018 for all this to stick. My pastor gave a message from Numbers 22, it was about Balaam and his donkey. He emphasized the importance of having people in your life that will have your back (like the donkey did for Balaam in preventing him from going the wrong way). My pastor was talking about an inner circle. At the end of the message I was sad because I wanted an inner circle. I ruminated on it after church and later confessed to my girls. I told them I didn’t feel like I had an inner circle. And here’s the wisdom I gleaned. The people God places closest to us don’t have to be the same age, economic status, or even marriage status. Brilliant! God saw fit to knit me together with these ladies, my tribe. 😄

I came to a similar point of revelation with another friend (whom I also met on prayer team). She absolutely has a heart of gold. I attribute my ability to receive and give hugs to her (I was not a physical touchy type person). But we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together (my number one love language is quality time). In my mind that felt conflicting, but as I reflected on all my friendships at this time I know she is a close one.

LifeGroups and more Prayer Team. My church has these groups where we gather and fellowship over food and the Word. In the first group I attended, at some point I shared about how I spend time in prayer. I am not even sure what the group was talking about but this came up as other ladies were sharing about spending time with God. In this group I made another connection. I can’t really put my finger down on when she and I started interacting regularly but since that time we have served together on prayer team, went on a mission trip (a member of my tribe went too!), started LifeGroups together with another friend, she’s adopted me to spend time with her and her family when I had no where to go on Christmas Eve, and now we serve in another ministry together. On top of that she was a priceless support in the course of my graduate studies. Our lives have overlapped in so many ways. She is my dear friend!

**not in audio** Since then I have made numerous friends through Life Groups. Like laugh so hard it makes your side hurt, cry so hard because you can’t do anything else, excited to meet together because you are looking forward to sharing good news…all that and more because in LifeGroups I built community. I got to sit side-by-side with people and share heart-to-heart. Bonus: the food was always good too. 😋

Redemption and Reconnection. I am going to be completely transparent as I end this blog. I have fumbled the ball several times in trying to make friends. I had intentions to do right but my own fear of rejection, emotional codependency, and jealously were hinderances in my growth and hurtful to others. Indeed, some relationships went down in flames… but it’s a beautiful thing when I let them go and let God work it out. Even more I had to take responsibility for my actions and have some tough conversations. Tough but honest and I am better for it. I can say that some friendships have came back around. However, not all relationships are meant to be revived…such is life. I’ve learn to rest in that. It took me years of working on myself (especially in the areas of emotional codependency) and securing my sense of belonging with God to discern the difference and have the confidence to stay or go in the process of building relationships.

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So you see through these many processes, through reaching out to my church community, through connecting with the people in my spheres of influence and grad school, through watching my mom through her growth and her faith and then taking the leap to try to build friendships of my own, I got more, exceedingly more than I can ask think or imagine. I got friends AND family!

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P.S. I want to add some extra transparency to this post. Even with the friendships I have had the privilege to enjoy, loneliness was/is a very real thing. There were still times where I feel isolated or lonely because I didn’t have people to hang out with. However, solitude isn’t the enemy. Being alone has given me time to process my feelings by journaling and more recently drawing and painting. I also get to spend some major quality time with God and Jesus. ☺️ So if you have yet to establish the friendships you desire, take sometime to do something you enjoy. Cultivate happiness. You may meet a friend in the process or simply come to learn something about yourself. Either way it’s totally worth it.

Love you,

it’s Nita.